To some extent my recent Johnnycake race invigorated me a bit. I felt like I was getting my "mojo" or "swagger" back after the race. It felt good to run solidly and be a few steps closer to 2nd place this year than last.
I am certainly the last person to intentionally brag about myself or my running, but I think for some reason I have let this go too far in the direction of humility, not publicly, but internally. (I've touched on this a bit here) I have worked so hard to not take my results for granted, and to credit others for what they do better than me, that I have forgotten to give myself the proverbial pat on the back when it is deserved. It's something I struggle with and I need to find a way to work through it in a positive manner that also sits well with my personal feelings about it. Because the truth is how I portray myself to others regardless of what I really feel will become my personal reflection on myself. And if put out there often enough, it becomes my own reality.
I think to an extent this is a female thing, it goes along with self image issues and being our own worst critics. But it is also a personal issue of mine as I want to credit others for what they've done well, and I want to excel, and I struggle to marry the two. I often forget that no opinion other than mine really matters when it comes down to my work ethic and my resulting performances. And unfortunately sometimes that opinion is really far from reality. I need to give myself credit where it is due and I need to see myself in a more realistic light.
Coincidentally my ultra buddy Sir Walks-a-Lot's must be thinking along the same lines and posted briefly and succinctly a summary of what I am struggling with:
"...about the negative characteristics of arrogance, and pride, and obsession as they relate to the positive characteristics of commitment, and patience, and persistence. They all are, I think, a similar breed of cat and somehow symbiotic and yet in conflict with each other..."
I do not think of myself as arrogant, and people who come off as arrogant frequently annoy me. But somewhere there is a fine line between arrogance and confidence, and I want to get myself to the brink of confidence without going over the line into arrogance. I also struggle with the fine line between persistence and obsession. I am working very hard to keep things light while making sure to put in the work day after day to hopefully be ready come go time. (Patience (or my lack of) is a whole 'nother post!)
So for those whose musical tastes, like mine, vary widely, something a little different today. I don't want to go quite so far as to be crowing all my victories like a rapper, but it wouldn't hurt to feel a bit more confident about myself and have a little more swagger in my steps :) If I want to see my goals reached, I need to really believe in myself and my ability to step up when it is warranted.
Note that I do not approve of Chris Brown's personal behavior whatsoever, but I am a Busta Rhymes and Lil Wayne fan. And I have to give Brown credit, his dance moves are sick.