Cathartic

Last night as I was wrapping up at work we got a phone call from a coworkers wife. He had open heart surgery last Tuesday. Unfortunately she was calling with the news of his passing. Our boss is out on vacation this week so I called him and sent an email out to those that knew about the surgery. It was all very awkward. This man was only in his 40s. He had a wife and two kids. He has been sick since I have known him but the whole time doctors were telling him it was allergies and chronic bronchitis.

I have never been in a position where a person close to me passing was someone that I did not get along with, and I am having a hard time going through my range of emotions. I know that my husband is right and I can't be "friends" with everyone and sometimes people that you aren't friends with pass, but it doesn't mean you wished them ill. And I know that nothing I did in my relationship with this man caused his sickness. But I still feel like scum of the earth for harboring such ill feelings towards him while he was alive.

Monday night is the memorial service and I plan on going with my husband. My boss is going and one of my old coworkers may be driving over from PA. I feel so horrible for this mans wife and her kids. I have never even met them, but I just keep thinking about what this would do to me if David was sick and I were to lose him, and I know I couldn't handle that at all, and we don't even have kids.

We all assumed that he would recover from this and be back in 5 or 6 weeks at work. It never really occurred to me that he might not make it.

Sorry if this sounds cliche but, if you haven't told your loved ones lately how much they mean to you please make sure you do so. And if you appreciate your coworkers friendships make sure they know. And if you just can't get along with someone in the office try to make it work. You honestly just never know when it might be your last chance to do something nice for someone.

I'm working from home today. There would only be two of us in the office today and I just don't think I could take it.

I may go for a long bike ride at lunch to try and get away from everything. We'll see.

18 comments:

trifrog said...

Death in any form usually raises the questions and feelings you're struggling with. It makes me consider what it is I believe about my life while I'm here on earth and where I am going when I leave. Death means there is no more time to consider those things. But when someone we know passes, it gives us the opportunity to reconsider those two questions again and live our life according to the answers we find.

Cliff said...

Thanks for the post Elizabeth...Sometimes the Lord just come and swept our love ones away. Makes it more precious to enjoy every possible moment.

TriSaraTops said...

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened, and you and his family and friends have to go through all this. Hope things cheer up for you....

Bolder said...

your husband is right, you can't be friends with everybody...

but, don't live a life of regrets.

our lives are short. our existence is fragile. i'm sorry you have to get a glimpse of that at so young.

life is for the living. so, you have to do what is right for you.

if you go to the memorial, tell his widow how much you appreciated him as a coworker, are sorry for her loss, and that he will be missed... that's your last chance.

but, if you want my advice, don't internalize this about David, you don't need to put that on yourself, you are both young and healthy -- enjoy your life, you have a long wonderful life together, and be happy that your life is good.

Hoebag said...

Life is to short to sweat the small stuff. THere is nothing in life more in important then friends and family. Trust me on this one.

Steven said...

Bolder is right. Don't internalize this by saying "what if it were David...or me?" You don't need to do that and it would accomplish nothing.

Just love what you have now and live your life fully.

Papa Louie said...

We have emotions and we cannot deny how we feel during a time like the passing away of another human being. I also am sorry you are going through this time of grief. Take it one day at a time.
Enjoy being human.

Just12Finish said...

Sometimes things happen that puts life back in perspective. There's so much to be appreciative of all around us. I hope you're feeling better.

Erin said...

Sweetie,

You should not feel badly about the way you felt about your co-worker before this. David is absolutely correct--you can't be friends with everyone, but it doesn't mean that you can't mourn and express your sorrow and sympathy to his wife and children. That you would want to give your condolences is natural.

I'll be praying for this man's family and for you and your co-workers as well.

I love you much!!

Ginger Breadman said...

Death isn't easy, no matter what the circumstances are. You're thoughts and feelings about people are normal and human. It all does make you really appreciate what you have, though. Thanks for the post.

Jessica Deline said...

what a sober reminder. geesh. I'm glad you are working from home today and will be able to go pay your respects.

Anne said...

You're husband's right in that you can't be friends with everyone and occasionally people you don't get along with pass away like everyone else. It's good that you're going to the funeral, for both you and for his wife. Thanks for the reminder to embrace the people around you while you can. Because you just never know....

Ruth said...

Agreed. Death, regardless of our closeness to (or even lack of affection for) the person isn't easy to deal with. I'll be seeing you in a few hours, & your post makes me think of the last time we saw each other over New Years - I'd found out an hour before I left for your place that my friend Aaron had died. Even though we were never close, & we hadn't kept in contact since we'd left CA, it still hit me hard. Let me know if ya need to talk while you're in town.

angie's pink fuzzy said...

What a difficult situation. I had a similar one, in high school. A girl I absolutely hated (over something as trivial as dating an ex-boyfriend) had a heart attack and died at age 17. Taught me to let go of pettiness right quick.

((hugs))

Lora said...

When I was younger, I went to funerals in a state of shock. They scared the heck out of me. Now I understand better-when I go to a funeral I give my regrets to the loved ones, tell them they'll be in my thoughts (my thoughts consist of wishing them strength to get thru this without being in pain too long) and I continue to live my life to my fullest and enjoy what I've got. That's all there really is--don't stay in a depressed state over this, it wastes your precious days.

IHateToast said...

it's interesting what death does to us. it allows us to see everyone as good again or at least if you didn't like him or her, you know someone did and s/he was good to that person. while they're alive, they're vexing to us. not liking someone doesn't mean you wish them ill. it's normal not to like some people. it means you have a personality and so does that person and they just aren't personalities that mesh. if you were to like everyone, you'd be pretty bland.

take care of mr hawt, and he of you.

Black Knight said...

Very sad, we are everyday in the God's hands as we use to say.

Lana said...

Sorry to hear about his, Elizabeth. And David is right - trust him.