...to put it lightly for sure. The poor race performance followed by some constructive criticism of my training Sunday on top of some ridiculous drama and work stress resulted in an emotional break down on my part. I just completely lost my cool and likely terrified a few of my running club members yesterday.
Trying to turn it into a positive spin I think the fact that I got so emotional about the discussion is an indicator that I do still passionately care about my running goals, whereas some days in the winter it is easy to wonder if you still are driven enough. It's easy to get lost in logging the miles and repeating the same efforts each week without physical results you can put on paper (or worse negative results you cringe at putting on paper). In my last post I don't think I accurately captured how I am feeling right now, and barring hiring a shrink I am not sure I can even really figure out the root of everything I am feeling right now.
I have always been highly emotional, and since college I have done my best to crack down on my time bomb like displays of emotion. Unfortunately some times that backfires. I don't think I've had an episode like this in a few years, but in high school it was common for me to lose my cool over the smallest of things on a daily basis. Talk about dramatic. So to say it caught me off guard yesterday is an understatement. You think you have everything under control and all of a sudden you realize this emotional tornado has been whipping around inside you waiting to strike. Add a hard 20 mile effort, a bad race into the mix, and poorly timed criticism and BOOM, explosion.
I also have the unfortunate habit of crying when I am really mad, it's like I have no outlet for my anger and my body responds by just letting everything flow through my tears. This worked out great on our honeymoon when I got pissed at them for wasting our time, tears get results for sure, but it is beyond embarrassing when this happens in front of those that you want to think that you are this bad ass runner ready to commit everything to your goals. Yesterday just left me feeling extremely vulnerable and raw.